Thursday, July 9, 2015

Because I'm a Girl

Assalamualaikum, hello internet! It's been a long time I did not update my blog or vlog lately. Idon't know why. Uh, I hate this kind of feelings, it feel so uneasy and insecure. Growing up with 3 brothers is quite difficult actually. Some of people would say that being the only daughter would be so much fun because you'll be the favorite among your family members. NAAH , not at all.

My parents gave me my name NUR LIYANA which means the light of softness or gentle or whatsoever it call because I'm the second children and I'm a girl. The first one is a boy. So, I am the one who responsible to uphold my parents vision to be a gentle women but here it comes, two more boys are coming and after 15 years finally I've got a little sister and now she is 4 years old.


It kinda sad when I'm not a type of girl who have this charming attitude, soft voice, know how to walk like princess, know how to dress up, know how to impress the older but it is me. Sometimes, i feel like I am the only one who accepting myself or am I just over thinking? Come on, I'm a girl and girls always do that right ? To be honest, my parents was so impress with my older brother but I have no problem at all about that. He can talk to my parents about friends, politic issues, about his uni, he can go out till midnight, he can drive a car. You know, he is a man right?

But, I just want the same attention that my parents gave to my brother. Sometimes, I have nothing to chat with my father when both of us in the car, I just pop out some story or whatsoever but it just me who talking and seems like my father don't know how to react to the story. My mother sometimes have hearing problems but when I'm talking to her, mostly she is angry or she just ignore what I'm saying. AHHHHH, it is so sad! I feel like I'm left behind by my own family.

Yes, I admit when I was like 14 or 15 years old, I love to lock myself in my room but now I am a grown up girl who want some productive life and it makes me feel like I want to start over again my life in the internet. I don't know. I try to make everything perfect but sometimes it did not turn well. From pre-school, I am the laziest one who want to go to school. In my elementary school, I am the one who can get a higher score than average but my parents told me I'm just lazy. At my age now, the told me again that I'm lazy because I did not doing the house chores but I did. They just didn't see it or sometimes I just too tired and did not do my work at that time and BOOM they just judge me on that time. I am not being ungrateful or just wanted someone to praise me but I just have that word enough . Treat me like I am 19 and almost 20. I am a part of the family but sometimes I just feel comfortable to voice out loud my opinion in front of others but being quiet as mouse in front of my family. It is 2 different personality. Am I being like this just because I am a girl ?


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